I am rereading this interview again. I wish there were studies on mother-infant relationship or parenting type and comparison of large extended families vs nuclear families and also bonding between mother and child even after the infant/toddler phase. What Dr. Hrdy talks about alloparenting is perhaps not only just crucial for the mothers but also from the child's perspective and development it is important. I have anecdotal data on growing up in a large extended family and some what semi nuclear family with extended families nearby. Now that I am living in a country halfway across the world from the country where all of my kins are and raising my two children with some time single parenting, I feel more the importance and evolutionary significance of living in groups. Here we try to recreate a community or support network with friends and I am lucky enough to have that network. After all, it takes a village to raise a child!
My maternal grandmother’s house was a great example of alloparenting. Mothers are getting help from other mothers, fathers, siblings and cousins. That house was built sometime in the 1950s (they moved from what is now Bangladesh after India’s partition). My grand ather’s family and his two brother's family lived in the same household. Th extended family was scattered for a few years after the partition but moved back together when the new house was built. It has 20 plus room and used to have only two kitchens. One was used by my mother's brothers' families and the other one was used by the cousins' families. They all cooked together and took turn to cook. highly organized division of labour and timing of breakfast, lunch dinner was strictly scheduled. My mother’s 3 brothers and 4 male cousins have raised their families. Most of the sisters (including cousins) were married off by the 1960s. It is really interesting to see the bonding of the cousins (first and second) have. Even now we do not distinguish between first and second cousins. And I am perhaps much more closer to some of my second cousins and their offspring than my own cousins! When it comes to wedding or death or any other difficult situations all the family members are together.
We had one cousin who had down syndrom and he survived until age 48. He was most attached to his aunts and raised by aunts as well as older cousins. I remember once he was lost and did not come back for 3 days (in his 30s), how every cousins went out looking for him and eventually found him some where about 15 km away from home. This was when he was showing his independence to go out on his own and hang out away from home. I do not think it would have been possible to find him if he was growing up in a nuclear family! The love and affection he had received from the extended family perhaps would not have been possible in a nuclear family! I think growing up in a family like this made my cousins more socially mature and have the skills of dealing with complex social issues than living in a nuclear family (e.g. my paternal cousins).
But not sure whether every mother was a happy mother! Adults could occasionally feel some tension between my aunts. My mother's eldest brother's wife was not always happy. Some wanted their independence, wanted to break out and live in a nuclear family within the same house. One of the wives of one of the brothers did get a separate enclave including kitchen in the same house but she took the advantage of allomothering, leaving her children at home with others while she went to work. Another aunt left her older child in the family while she worked and lived in another town! Now after retirement she moved out of the family's joint house and built her own. And in the late 80s when my male cousins were getting married their wives slowly started breaking the joint family kitchen system. By the 1990s they all had their own flats with kitchen in the same house. The house itself gone through modifications to accomodate all those. And my uncles’ generations slowly aged and died off! Three of the aunts are gone now. The current generations still do things together but not as cohesive as before.
I often think about cost and benefits of living in large extended family.... yes, there are certain disadvantages. One cannot raise a child with her own wishes etc. And women can be suppressed more than men! Their opinion may not be heard! But now that I am living by myself so far way, I understand the value of living in groups much more! For a social creature like me it is sometime so hard and depressing in living in a single family home especially in the US where you cannot just go and hang out with your neighbor next door. My older one had the experience of living in the forest where the village and my sister took care of her while I did my field work on a non human primate. That was the best time of my life about raising a child! I could completely rely on the allomothers to take care of her while I was there for her whenever needed! She did learn to speak the third language fluently, learn to interact with others and be independent and at the same time being very social. Her third Birthday she spent with one of my field assistant's family in the village and did not show up for two days. Coming back here was hard for her even at age 3. While she was really happy to be back in our small nuclear family with her father but misses the larger social groups and interactions! It seems like it happens to us every time we come back from India.
My maternal grandmother’s house was a great example of alloparenting. Mothers are getting help from other mothers, fathers, siblings and cousins. That house was built sometime in the 1950s (they moved from what is now Bangladesh after India’s partition). My grand ather’s family and his two brother's family lived in the same household. Th extended family was scattered for a few years after the partition but moved back together when the new house was built. It has 20 plus room and used to have only two kitchens. One was used by my mother's brothers' families and the other one was used by the cousins' families. They all cooked together and took turn to cook. highly organized division of labour and timing of breakfast, lunch dinner was strictly scheduled. My mother’s 3 brothers and 4 male cousins have raised their families. Most of the sisters (including cousins) were married off by the 1960s. It is really interesting to see the bonding of the cousins (first and second) have. Even now we do not distinguish between first and second cousins. And I am perhaps much more closer to some of my second cousins and their offspring than my own cousins! When it comes to wedding or death or any other difficult situations all the family members are together.
We had one cousin who had down syndrom and he survived until age 48. He was most attached to his aunts and raised by aunts as well as older cousins. I remember once he was lost and did not come back for 3 days (in his 30s), how every cousins went out looking for him and eventually found him some where about 15 km away from home. This was when he was showing his independence to go out on his own and hang out away from home. I do not think it would have been possible to find him if he was growing up in a nuclear family! The love and affection he had received from the extended family perhaps would not have been possible in a nuclear family! I think growing up in a family like this made my cousins more socially mature and have the skills of dealing with complex social issues than living in a nuclear family (e.g. my paternal cousins).
But not sure whether every mother was a happy mother! Adults could occasionally feel some tension between my aunts. My mother's eldest brother's wife was not always happy. Some wanted their independence, wanted to break out and live in a nuclear family within the same house. One of the wives of one of the brothers did get a separate enclave including kitchen in the same house but she took the advantage of allomothering, leaving her children at home with others while she went to work. Another aunt left her older child in the family while she worked and lived in another town! Now after retirement she moved out of the family's joint house and built her own. And in the late 80s when my male cousins were getting married their wives slowly started breaking the joint family kitchen system. By the 1990s they all had their own flats with kitchen in the same house. The house itself gone through modifications to accomodate all those. And my uncles’ generations slowly aged and died off! Three of the aunts are gone now. The current generations still do things together but not as cohesive as before.
I often think about cost and benefits of living in large extended family.... yes, there are certain disadvantages. One cannot raise a child with her own wishes etc. And women can be suppressed more than men! Their opinion may not be heard! But now that I am living by myself so far way, I understand the value of living in groups much more! For a social creature like me it is sometime so hard and depressing in living in a single family home especially in the US where you cannot just go and hang out with your neighbor next door. My older one had the experience of living in the forest where the village and my sister took care of her while I did my field work on a non human primate. That was the best time of my life about raising a child! I could completely rely on the allomothers to take care of her while I was there for her whenever needed! She did learn to speak the third language fluently, learn to interact with others and be independent and at the same time being very social. Her third Birthday she spent with one of my field assistant's family in the village and did not show up for two days. Coming back here was hard for her even at age 3. While she was really happy to be back in our small nuclear family with her father but misses the larger social groups and interactions! It seems like it happens to us every time we come back from India.
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